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Give and take; Being a roommate requires cooperation, patience

By Christopher Nelson, Source: Tribune Media Services

Freshman year of college is chock-full of things to worry about. The last thing you want to lose sleep over is the person in the bunk above you.

Quite often, your roommate situation works out just fine. But we’ve all heard of the horror stories. Whether it’s dirty clothes hanging from anything with an edge or it’s drunken antics at four in the morning, the freshman roommate has the potential to ruin your first year.

Some people deal with this issue in their own, inventive ways.

“I had a roommate in college who continually left the door to our dorm room unlocked because he didn’t want to carry his keys around,” says Bretton Holmes, President of Holmes World Media, Inc. in Lubbock, Texas. “After weeks of coming back to find the room open, I finally got some buddies and we made the room look like it had been burglarized and took all the electronics out and put them into a neighbors room in order to get the point across. Needless to say, he never left the door unlocked again.”

Even though it might be a short-term fix, an act like this isn’t going to solve your roommate woes. Most likely, it will only make them worse.

So, how do you make sure that first year is as spectacular as the three that will follow it? Simple. Address the potential problem before it even has the chance to become one. You’re going into a situation where you know little to nothing about the person you’ll be living with for a year. Even if this student is someone you’ve known your entire life, you’ve most likely never lived with him or her.

“Living with a college roommate is like living with a mail order bride or groom,” says Debbie Mandel, author of “Addicted to Stress” (Jossey-Bass, $22.95). “You don’t know the quirks, annoyances and buttons.”

In his book “The Naked Roommate” (Sourcebooks, Inc., $14.99), Harlan Cohen helps ease student’s anxiety and help them be more forgiving of themselves.

“I wanted to get college students comfortable with the uncomfortable,” says Cohen.

You want to have an open, honest and respectful relationship with your roommate. Come to an understanding right away and it will make the rest of the year that much easier. A good way to solve this issue is by having both your roommate and yourself sign a roommate contract.

“You may prevent hurt feelings later by laying ground rules early,” says Anthony De Santis, director of housing at Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. “Asking and discussing these issues first, before proceeding with action, can result in greater trust and respect.”

Cohen, who has a roommate contract available in his new workbook, thinks keeping it simple and letting each other know when you’re uncomfortable, will help keep your relationship healthy. The small problems you may let slide at first have a nasty knack for turning into big, irritating issues. Now, don’t go spouting off everything you can’t stand the minute your roommate steps into the door but when he or she does something that bugs you, tell them politely and, most likely, they’ll return the favor. Don’t go running to the RA right away.

“You owe your roommate the courtesy of speaking with him or her first,” says De Santis. “In any roommate situation, you should treat him or her with respect, consideration and openness. After all, you are your roommate’s roommate.”

This will make it much easier to communicate when one of you is upset about something.

“It doesn’t have to be a confrontation,” says Cohen. “It can be a conversation.”

There will inevitably be times were disagreements will boil over but what’s important it to keep your head on your shoulders and not lose your cool.

“Conflict is normal. It’s okay,” says Cohen.

Just because you have to be able to stand your roommate doesn’t mean you have to, or want to, be their best buddy in the whole wide world.

Embrace differences

Cohen thinks that the best roommates are the people who are most different from you.

“All they need to do is share space, share expenses and respect each other’s stuff,” says Cohen. “That’s it.”

There’s no way you can spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with someone and not get annoyed with them eventually. So even if you like your roommate, make sure you’re getting out of the room and finding new friends on campus.

Always try to deal with issues on your own first. Then, if that doesn’t work, there are other outlets you can go to. From your resident assistant to the resident director all the way to the housing office, there are people who are willing to help you and your roommate resolve any problems you may have. Try to avoid running to your parents right away though. Although they may be comforting to talk to, you should try and resolve issues on your own as an adult. Your parents should be asking you how you’re going to deal with the situation, not how they can deal with it.

There’s no reason to believe you won’t love spending some time with your new roommate. But if they don’t turn out to be a stellar match for you, just make sure you talk to them early on and think about spending a little more time in the quad instead of your room.

© 2010, Tribune Media Services