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Long-distance challenge; Keeping that back-home relationship strong can be difficult

By Christopher Nelson, Source: Tribune Media Services

She wears his letterman jacket every day. He keeps her picture on the inside of his locker. They’re the perfect high school couple but they’re both heading to different colleges in different states in the near future.

For this duo, college could easily be the beginning of the end of a high school fling. As the miles between them get further, they might grow apart and their bubbling romance could quickly turn to fond memories. Or they could go a different route and give the long distance relationship a shot. It’s something that is, and will continue to be, an issue for many years to come. Even a web series, Crackle.com’s “My Long Distance Relationship”, has developed in response to the situation many couples are put into. It’s no easy road, riddled with jealousy, uncertainty and loneliness, and needs to be taken as a serious commitment. But if you and your partner take the time to make it work, it can be a fulfilling experience for both.

Let’s get one thing straight. Just because your “special someone” is just out of walking distance, that doesn’t make it a long distance relationship, or LDR. If you’re within 20 minutes of getting some smooches, it doesn’t count. You need to be at least a two-hour drive away from them before the distance is a real factor. So say you are in a bona fide LDR. Jill Spiegel, author of "The Flirtologist's Guide To Dating”, offers up some advice.

“It is stressful,” says Spiegel.

There are a lot of aspects of a relationship you must focus on to help make sure your LDR functions correctly.

“Don’t assume you will just check in with one another,” says Spiegel.

Both of you are going to have all new lifestyles and different schedules. Pick a time that works best during the week and have a Skype date set. This way, you can get a little face time instead of just talking on the phone. You can use the cell phone to keep flirting with your partner without being too racy. As helpful as technology can be, it can definitely hurt you. Don’t go overboard, texting and calling your better half from sun up to sun down. Spiegel believes that you should try to enhance flirtation and communication. You can still do the little things that won’t interfere with your partner’s life. A drunken, late night text won’t go over big but a small gift sent through the mail definitely will.

You can’t just wait for holidays to roll around and see each other then. When you spend time at home, it’s hard to commit time to both your partner and your family. Plus, it’s nice to see and get a feel for the environment they are in. Take time to plan trips to each school on weekends that work best for both of you. Sometimes, it’s not a simple back and forth if one of you doesn’t have a car.

“You can’t always take turns of who will drive up or drive down to get together,” says Natalie Caine, founder of Empty Nest Support Services. “The one who can do it does it.”

While you may not have total control over what your partner does in the relationship, you do have total control over your own actions.

“Hold onto yourself,” says Spiegel. “Stayed centered.”

Maybe it’s their RA who looks like Brad Pitt or maybe it’s the gorgeous assistant instructor in their fitness class. You’re eventually going to get jealous. It’s your job to stay levelheaded. There’s no reason to freak out right away and there’s no reason to keep calling their phone if they don’t pick up on the first try. If you feel like there is a more serious problem, have the courtesy not to bring it up in a text message. Margaret Leiteritz is a high school guidance counselor in the suburbs of Chicago and often sees this situation.

“You may have a difficult time understanding your partner’s new surroundings and social scene,” says Leiteritz. “This could lead to jealousy without good communication, understanding and realistic expectations. It is important that each person have autonomy so they can grow personally.”

Don’t strangle their social life, getting upset every time they are busy or out with their friends.

“It is unhealthy if one or both partners are controlling,” says Leiteritz. “This usually will cause resentment and a desire to break free from the control and, therefore, a break up of the relationship.”

If your LDR isn’t working out, you owe it to your partner to let them know you don’t feel the same anymore. Whether you’ve met someone new or just think you need some time apart, it’s up to you to talk to them. Be respectful, be sensitive and, most importantly, be honest.

Long distance relationships require work, no doubt about it. But if you take the time to care, who knows where you’ll end up. College could be what puts that final nail into a relationship’s coffin or the stepping-stone that leads to many more anniversaries.

© 2010, Tribune Media Services