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Solve Anything with Dr. Mark: Career Advice for the Working Class; Dealing with a new job's change of pace

By Dr. Mark Goulston, Source: Tribune Media Services

Q: I'm a millennial and I'm starting a new job in a bricks and mortar company. It's a little more conventional than some of the techie jobs I have been in and I can already tell that the pace is more thoughtful than it is A.D.D. Any tips on making a good first impression? Aaron D., Santa Monica

A: Wow, a ME-llenial asking for advice. That's refreshing. Something you've already used that puts you ahead of your peers is "anticipatory humility," i.e. you know that getting ahead also requires getting along. To build on that and win friends and influence bosses ask your new one: "To have the best chance for success here and for the best working relationship with you, what are three things I should ALWAYS do and three things I should NEVER do?" Few bosses or for that matter anyone run into people who anticipate their relationship and proactively want to do what's necessary to optimize it going forward. Certainly beats having the first thing out of your mouth be: "When's my first raise and what's the soonest I can take vacation days?"

Q: I can't stand to get "No" for an answer. My friends tell me, I just need to let the "No's" wash off my back. They say that selling cars is just a matter of numbers and that the more presentations I make the more sales I will close and also the less upsetting a single "No" will be. Is there any way to take the sting out of hearing a "No?" John P., Los Angeles

A: Your friends are right, but there is actually another way to look forward to getting a "No." The way to do that is to realize that until you get a "No," you're not asking for enough. And when you ask for too little, you'll have some explaining to do when you go back to your sales manager and try to tell them why you didn't ask for more. A better approach is to keep pushing for what you want until you receive a "No" response. This will help you to know that you are within the range of what the other person is willing to spend. More importantly it will be one of the best opportunities to demonstrate poise.

Here's what to do.

As the other person becomes frustrated or irritated or even nervous (because they think it might make you angry or upset you) at saying "No", pause, take a breath and then say as earnestly as possible: "I either pushed too hard or failed to address something that was important to you, didn't I?"

After they get over their momentary astonishment at your owning up to your pushiness, they will either nod in agreement or may actually say, with an awkward smile (because they're off guard), "You sure did." At that moment, their mind has agreed and aligned psychologically with you and without their knowing it, they have actually begun to say, "Yes" to you.

While their mind in this agreement (i.e. "Yes, I agree that you blew it!") mode, build on the moment by saying, "At what point did I go too far and also, what important points did I fail to address that had I addressed might have caused you to say, 'Yes"?"

As they begin to elaborate on these, they are: 1) getting their frustration at you off their chest; 2) addressing what they wanted from you in order to agree with you. Both of these will help you turn that "No" into a "Yes" and get you closer to what was possible to receive from them.

Q: When someone ticks me off, I usually say or do something that I end up regretting and then I have to go about doing damage control. How can I learn to be less reactive? Sara L., Pasadena

A: When someone says or does something that upsets you, think of the first thing you want to say or do and don't say or do it; pause, take a deep breath and then think of second thing you want to say or do and don't say or do that; pause again, and take another deep breath and finally think of the third thing you want to say or do and do say or do that. The first thing you want to say or do is about defending yourself. The second thing is about retaliating. The third thing is about finding a solution.

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Mark Goulston is Santa Monica-based management and leadership adviser and author of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work...and Help Others Do the Same." Visit him at: http://markgoulston.com and e-mail your questions to mgoulston@markgoulston.com.