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Solve anything with Dr. Mark: Career advice for the working class; Excuses pile up as work goes undone

By Dr. Mark Goulston, Source: Tribune Media Services

Q: I have an accountability problem with a secretary who works for me. When I ask her to do something, instead of doing it, she makes excuses, gets defensive or emotionally upset. Other than this annoying problem, she does a good job. Do you have a suggestion on how to handle this situation better and get her to follow through?

A: Stan Barkey, a principal at Stan Barkey Consulting in Cupertino, shared with me one of the most effective techniques he learned and used while working as a director for State Farm Insurance.
Here is what he would suggest. After you tell her to do something, repeat it back to her with:
"So we're agreed that you're going to do x by such and such a date?"

Pause and wait for her to say the word, "Yes." Research has shown that when you get someone to say the word, "Yes," it increases their commitment to keep their promise by 20-30 percent. After that, say: "In the event, for any reason, that you are unable to do that, how do you want me to be with you?" She may pause, and if so, fill in the blank with: "For instance do you want me to remind you, tell you can still do it, raise my voice at you, pound my fist, or what?" Then make a note of whatever she suggest and use it when she doesn't do what she commits to.

So-called experts

Q: I had an issue at work where, based on my "chutzpah," I tried to have a claim reprocessed when I had a lack of knowledge on the reason for the claim being denied.

In short, I came off like a jerk. So, admitting to myself that I came across as arrogant to the claim processor, how do I express my apology to her without coming across as arrogant again and, more importantly, letting her know that I need to work more on knowing all the facts so that she, along with others, do not have to worry about getting the same kind of treatment?

A: You're not really sorry until you:

1. Say what you did wrong;

2. Acknowledge how it hurt, disappointed, or upset the other person;

3. Admit you were wrong to do it and then apologize;

4. Say what you are going to do to correct it and make sure it doesn't happen again;

5. Ask those people you upset how you can make it up to them and then do it.

Recently several members of an upscale business networking group I belong to complained to the organization's headquarters about receiving my "unsolicited" e-mails (I had conveniently not read the prohibitions against this in the organization bylaws). They in turn relayed the complaints anonymously to me.

In the entertainment industry they say it is much better to show than to explain, so here's the apology I sent out to the entire organization:

1. I sent out my weekly e-mail blast to the entire membership, including those who had and had not solicited me to receive them without checking the bylaws of the organization first; 2. It annoyed, upset, offended and intruded upon several members of the organization;

3. I was wrong to add all the members to my distribution list without checking on the rules first;

4. As a result I am going to unsubscribe the 900-plus membership from my list and will carefully check the bylaws before doing something that intrudes on people's email space and in the future I will email people invitations to "opt in" to my mailings vs. just sending them out;

5. For any of those I have offended, please let me know what I can do to make it up to you.

6. For those who wish to continue to receive my mailings you can re-subscribe at: http://markgoulston.com/list and I apologize to you for that inconvenience.

Too err is human, to take full responsibility for it, divine.

XXXX

Mark Goulston, M.D., is a Santa Monica-based business psychiatrist, executive coach and author of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work." Question him at mgoulston@markgoulston.com. Visit him at: www.markgoulston.com