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Solve anything with Dr. Mark: Career advice for the working class; I hate everyone

By Dr. Mark Goulston, Source: Tribune Media Services

Q: I'm consumed with envy and jealousy. I too easily fall into a spate of feeling, "Everybody's got more than me. I'm worthless. It's eating me up, etc." Consequently, I'm awful to be around and take it out on the people around. Can you help me get a handle on it and to handle it better before it makes me miserable and everyone around me?

A: Envy is wishing you had something that someone else has; jealousy is being angry at them for having it and wishing they didn't. One of the psychological ways it hurts you, besides the obvious, is that feeling jealous and angry at friends can make you feel ashamed and down deep not deserving of success or happiness. I knew a PGA golfer who made a living for several years, but never won a tournament. Constantly wishing his peers and even friends would miss a putt, so he could make more money finally did him in.

Regarding origins. Like most personality traits (i.e. attitudes and behaviors) we will probably someday discover that it is caused from a combination of nature and nurture. Nature = genetics. So if your mom and dad were envious and jealous people, there's a good chance you will be. Nurture = how you were raised. If you watched your mom and dad be envious and jealous, there's a good chance you will imitate them.

Regarding handling it better, think of all the bitter people you know. And next time you go to a family or business meeting, look at the effect they have on everyone else. Ask yourself if you want to be that person. If you're like most people, you will do almost anything to not end up that way.

Next time the "green eyed" monster is triggered in you, go through these steps:

1. Say to yourself, "I'm so jealous of that person. It's not fair. Why didn't that happen to me? When am I going to get my chance?" You can't talk yourself out of your feelings initially.

2. Then say to yourself and really feel it as strongly as you can when you do: "I hate them for getting that when I didn't."

3. Try and hold onto the feeling of hating them and it will gradually dissipate — you can't keep a fist clenched forever — then say to yourself, "I don't hate them. I hate it, when these things happen."

4. Try to keep feeling that and then say to yourself, "I don't hate it. I'm just so frustrated, because I want that to happen to me."

5. Try to hold onto the frustration until it starts to ease and then call that person or email them and say to them, "Hey there, I heard about what happened to you. Good for you, you've worked hard for that. If my words or voice aren't exactly filled with enthusiasm, it's because I'm envious. But hey, really, good for you. Enjoy it."

Doing that last step will accomplish many things:

1. It will be a way of countering the uglier side of your personality that your jealousy causes.

2. It will show that you're a class act to you.

3. By being such a class act you will starting earning the right to succeed and be happy.

4. By being a class act, you're providing some insurance against turning into the bitter person that you don't want to become.

XXX

Mark Goulston, M.D., is a Santa Monica-based business psychiatrist, executive coach and author of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work." Question him at mgoulston@markgoulston.com. Visit him at: www.markgoulston.com

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