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Solve anything with Dr. Mark: Career advice for the working class; Too much giving?

By Dr. Mark Goulston, Source: Tribune Media Services

Q: I like to give to people. I like to feel needed but I hate to feel used. When that happens I feel hurt and then angry. About six months ago I was taken advantage of by someone I thought was my friend. I gave him a lot of time and money to help him and then he just disappeared. I think that was the last straw. My wife told me that I need to stop giving to takers. I think she is right and have been much more careful in my dealings with people but I don't like what it has turned me into. What should I do?

A: You remind me of a number of people I know who like to give and love to feel needed, but hate to feel used. The problem is not that you give too much. It's that you give too freely to the wrong people. A friend of mine had your exact problem. He came up with a solution that may work for you. He has developed a motto: "Give to everyone once, but recognize takers early and never give to them a second time." He told me that even if he never gets back what he gave them the first time, he feels so much better at cutting his losses and not feeling like a fool.

He has also found a way to weed out the "takers" early. When someone asks for something from him he pauses and then says, "Hmm."

This tends to make takers feel nervous, because they get a sense that you are on to them. He then says, "I was just thinking if what you're asking me is fair and reasonable. If it is I'll be happy to do it for you, because I like to think of myself as a fair and reasonable kind of guy. And you know, if it's unfair and unreasonable, I might still do it, but then of course it's a favor and of course you'll owe me one in return."

He says this is a great way to smoke out the takers, who will often act offended and may even say indignantly: "Don't do me any favors!"

Which unless you are a moron, you won't.

Networking do's and don'ts

Q: I attend a lot of networking meetings and feel like it is a big waste of time and money, plus I've gained 25 pounds from all the meals. Some people seem much more effective in this means of business development. I'd appreciate your giving me some tips on how to get the most bang for my efforts.

A: Gordon Gregory and Davis Blaine, founders of Los Angeles-based Provisors, an organization where service professionals at the top of their game collaborate to better serve their clients, suggest the following do's and don'ts if you want to turn networking into business and even more important into relationships that stand the test of time:

Do's:

Listen. First, think about how you can help the other, then how they might be able to help you.

Be courteous. Be unselfish. Prepare to learn more about others first. Don't dominate the conversation. Each person should be able to discuss their business.

Ask open-ended questions. "Where do you spend most of your time?" "What is your typical client/customer?" Where does the majority of your business come from?" Ask each person to describe two of their clients to further help you understand what they do.

Be sincerely interested in the person as well as the transaction. Ask questions such as: "How did you get into what you do?" "What do you like most about it?" Don't just say what you do, but give examples and tell stories. Most people understand better if they can visualize what you do.

Indirect referrals are key. Offer to introduce them to the type of person who would generate the most business for them. Ask them to do the same for you.

Don't's:

Sell. Explain how you benefit your clients, the stop.

Fail to follow up on what you promise.

Expect immediate feedback, results or new referrals of business.

Be disingenuous. Be yourself and care about the person vs. maneuvering them.

Stop making or seeking good, solid conversations and relationships.

Be negative, complain, whine or blame. People hear enough of that at home.

XXX

Mark Goulston, M.D., is a Santa Monica-based business psychiatrist, executive coach and author of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work." Question him at mgoulston@markgoulston.com. Visit him at: www.markgoulston.com

© 2008, Tribune Media Services