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Solve anything with Dr. Mark: Career advice for the working class; Are you listening?

By Dr. Mark Goulston, Source: Tribune Media Services

Q: Because I am a highly competent CPA, people put up with the fact that I don't listen. My boss tells me, my peers tell me, my wife tells me. My clients tell my boss. It never got to me until my wife told me how much my kids hate me and how much they hate hating me. I would appreciate any insight you can give me into listening and any tips on how to become better at it.

A: If I tell you, will you listen? I will share with you the four levels of listening from worst to best.

Removed Listening:

This is Avoidant Listening. In business settings, removed listeners are the people who say, "Uh huh," while clearly showing no interest in what the other person is saying. They look preoccupied and usually are. The person who is talking usually feels either ignored, "blown off" or at the very least just not listened to. It is analogous to talking over someone as the most egregious level of listening. It exasperates and may even infuriate the already brittle, anxious person who is talking.

Reactive Listening:

This is Defensive Listening. They take issue with everything the other person is saying. Rather than taking things seriously, they take everything personally. Reactive listeners are often seen as "high maintenance" and over time, people avoid them because they are exhausting. It is analogous to talking at people and will further frustrate and upset an already anxious person.

Responsible Listening:

This is Problem Solving Listening. It's a no-nonsense, purposeful exchange of information. Responsible listeners listen for the facts in order to move forward. Anxious people appreciate it, but may feel frustrated if they want something more than a solution to a problem. It is analogous to talking to people and will cause an anxious person to calm somewhat, but still leave them unsatisfied and not relieved.

Receptive Listening:

This is Inviting Listening. It is listening of the highest order, and it is the human listening that all of us crave. Receptive listeners see and then feel where you're coming from. Wilfred Bion, one of the pre-eminent psychoanalysts of the 20th century, described this as "listening without memory or desire." He explained that when you listen to someone with memory you're trying to fit them into an old agenda of yours; when you listen with desire, you're trying to fit them into a new agenda. When you listen without either you are completely open to what they are communicating verbally and non-verbally. It is analogous to talking with someone and will not only calm an anxious person, but will enable them to exhale and fully relax. And as an expression of gratitude, they will open their mind to you and listen to and follow suggestions you make.

If these make sense to you, talk to your wife and your boss about them and elicit from them specific things you can do and stop doing going forward to do a better job of it. Ask them if you can check in with them to continue to give you input on how you can continue to improve. And when you and they meet, don't get defensive, just have them clarify what they are saying and say, "Thank you."

XXX

Mark Goulston, M.D., is a Santa Monica-based business psychiatrist, executive coach and author of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work." Question him at mgoulston@markgoulston.com. Visit him at: www.markgoulston.com

© 2008, Tribune Media Services