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Solve anything with Dr. Mark: Career advice for the working class; Are you too needy?

By Dr. Mark Goulston, Source: Tribune Media Services

Q: I seem to get hurt a lot. I guess I am too thin skinned but I can't seem to help myself. Recently one of my closest friends told me I was too needy. I was so hurt I haven't spoken to that friend for a couple weeks, but I realized he wasn't trying to hurt me and I think he's right. I need to stop it. Any thoughts?

A: Others better tolerate being needy when you're younger, but as you get older, you will be perceived as too high maintenance by others who will either avoid you or become hostile toward you.

How can you tell if you are too needy? If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, neediness gets under their skin. Imagine you are one of the people who deal with you regularly. How would they rate you in the following ways: 1 - not at all; 2 - sometimes; 3 - almost always

Do you whine?

Do you complain?

Do you come off like a victim?

Do you feel sorry for yourself?

Do you want people to feel sorry for you?

Do you act deeply hurt when something doesn't go your way?

Do you cry, when something doesn't go your way?

Do you attempt to make them feel guilty?

Do you seem like a bottomless pit?

Do you make them want to avoid you?

Do you make them feel like screaming at you: "Toughen up!"

Do you make them root against you?

Scores:

12 = low maintenance a.k.a. you're welcome

13-24 = medium maintenance a.k.a. you're wearing out your welcome

25-36 = high maintenance a.k.a. you're unwelcome

What's a needy person to do? Become aware that the more needy you act, the worse your life will be and the more people will treat you poorly. If you say, "I don't have any control over it," realize that those around you will be saying they don't have any control over avoiding you. And whether they do or not is up to how you act

So what?

Q: I am a new manager at a financial software company and I need to find some way to get people to stop going on and on when they bring me their problems. I pride myself on being a good listener, but my subordinates are driving me crazy with all the stuff they complain to me about. How can I get them to focus more in our conversations, without ticking them off?

A: Jay Young of the DC Lottery likened his job to being "between a rock (the CEO), twenty hard places (everyone and everything else) and the bottom line."

He says that wherever he is, it is as if he is in the batter's box being pitched to above, below and from the side by all the positions in his organization. Whether it was from the CEO or fellow C-suites occupants, his day consisted of demands, directives, complaints, excuses, blaming and more. He said that if his approach were to go toe-to-toe with everyone, he would quickly run out of toes and become depleted.

As such, Young needed to develop an approach to: a) listening to people in such a way to show that they've been heard; b) focusing them to make their concerns intelligible and c) directing them toward a solution vs. having them continue to feel frustrated and to complain further.

That's when he came up with his: "What? So what? Now what?" approach.

"What?" said in a tone that invites rather than chides enables the other person to state what happened, what the problem is and even vent some of their frustration.

"So what?" respectfully challenges the other person to make their problem relevant to what they, their department or the company is trying to accomplish. "Now what?" helps re-channel and redirect the other's energies towards a solution that Young can then validate with a, "Great! Give that a shot and tell me how it works out."

Young likened it to the kind of martial arts that utilizes the other person's head of steam. The difference was that in martial arts you use the other's energy to cause them to go off balance when you parry and deflect it. In the case of managing people who are coming at you, his, "What? So what? Now what?" approach was a way of preserving their energy, focusing them, increasing their momentum and catapulting them back into their jobs where they could feel more competent and be more effective.

XXX

Mark Goulston, M.D., is a Santa Monica-based business psychiatrist, executive coach and author of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work." Question him at mgoulston@markgoulston.com. Visit him at: www.markgoulston.com

© 2008, Tribune Media Services