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Solve anything with Dr. Mark: Career advice for the working class; All about you

By Dr. Mark Goulston, Source: Tribune Media Services

Q: I'm a hard-driving lawyer and I am embarrassed to admit the following. For years my wife has told me I am a narcissist, as have my teenage and young adult children. I just blew them off as having seen too many shrinks and heard too much psychobabble. But recently the managing partner of our firm, who everyone — including me — respects, also told me that I was a narcissist. It wasn't so easy to blow him off. Can you give me a plan to stop and overcome this?

A: You can be embarrassed about being a narcissist, but you should feel good about making a commitment to stop it. As people get older they get burned out on people who act like you so if you are really committed to this, the first thing to do is offer people you have acted like a narcissist toward a Power Apology. That has three parts:

1. Tell them that you have discovered and accepted that you are a narcissist and have always put yourself first in your dealing with them and that you have been wrong.

2. Tell them that you know that your behavior has caused them to feel hurt, resentful, angry and even afraid of you on many occasions.

3. Thank them for putting up with you and tell them that you have committed yourself to behaving differently and would like their help in doing so.

The narcissist inventory

To specifically elicit the help of others and to keep yourself mindful of some of your narcissistic tendencies, have peers and co-workers answer the following with regard to you:

Have them answer the following with: 1 = rarely; 2 = sometimes; 3 = frequently

How often do you need to be right at all costs?

How often do you act impatient with them?

How often do you interrupt them in the middle of what they're saying and yet take offence when they interrupt you?

How often do you expect them to drop whatever they're thinking about and listen to you and yet take offence when they expect you to do the same when they're talking to you?

How often do you talk more than you listen?

How often do you say "Yes, but," "That's not true," "No," "However," "Your problem is"?

How often do you resist and resent doing something that matters to them at your inconvenience?

How often do you expect them to do something that matters to you at their inconvenience and expect them to do so without resenting you?

How often do you would not accept what you are asking them to accept?

How often do you fail to say "Thank you," "I'm sorry," "Congratulations" when someone else accomplishes something great or "Excuse me" after you've bumped into someone else?

Scoring (a.k.a. what they think of you) by adding up the total:

10-16 = You're cooperative

17-23 = You're argumentative

24-30 = You're a narcissist

After they total up how you score in their eyes, ask them how much that has hurt and disappointed them in you. Give them the opportunity to finally get it out (and they may start to tear up with relief), look into their eyes and say, "I'm so sorry, you were right to feel that way and I am committing to you that I will fix it starting now."

Then use their scoring to see the specific behaviors to focus on to get started. To really make this stick, make sure you include someone whose respect you really want, such as the managing partner at your firm.

XXX

Mark Goulston, M.D., is a Santa Monica-based business psychiatrist, executive coach and author of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work." Question him at mgoulston@markgoulston.com. Visit him at: www.markgoulston.com

© 2008, Tribune Media Services