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Solve anything with Dr. Mark: Career advice for the working class; Don't outsmart yourself

By Dr. Mark Goulston, Source: Tribune Media Services

Q: My friends tell me I am very smart and a quick study and yet I haven't been as successful as they and I would have expected. I'm becoming increasingly frustrated and it's bringing out a nasty side of me that I'm having trouble controlling. Any ideas on this?

A: Hey Mr. Smarty Pants. Not feeling so smart anymore are you? Even humbled enough to ask me for help. Actually I had the same problem until I figured out what it was. I was confusing being smart and a quick study with actually being impatient, insecure and interrupting people to show off that I knew where they were heading without my needing them to go on and on.

My smartness didn't outweigh how I offended people. I then realized that when people told me something, the telling of the story was as important as the story or my solution. So I listened, and when I wanted to interrupt, I bit my lip and listened some more.

Every time they paused instead of telling them my brilliant response I said, "Hmm," or "Really," or better yet, "Tell me more." What I discovered is that when I did this, they not only told me what was on their mind, but they mentally exhaled with the relief at having been listened to and heard out. And that often made them grateful and they would show me their gratitude by listening to what I had to say.

But even then I didn't rush in where wise men would fear to tread. Instead I said: This is what I heard you say ___________________. This is what I think you meant ___________________. And this is why I think it is important to you ___________________. Am I on track?"

What I discovered was that I showed much more of my "smartness" by understanding them (which was often the question behind the question) and understanding what was important to them then spouting a brilliant solution. I'm guessing they felt that I really got them.

And if you really get where someone is coming from, they are more likely to let you take them to where you want them to go.

My aching career

Q: For the last 10 years, I have had fibromyalgia. While I was not and am not disabled, my work history is patchy during that time. I am otherwise healthy and have a very strong work ethic. How would you deal with this issue in interviews? Now that I have a handle on my condition, it has taught me many life lessons. But not all employers appreciate that.

A: As your last statement implies, many – if not most – employers will not appreciate the lessons you've learned. Furthermore they'll be confused about fibromyalgia, which is a chronic condition characterized by widespread pain in muscles, ligaments and tendons, according to the Mayo Clinic, as they often are about A.D.H.D. or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and may subconsciously not want to find out more. Instead they will see it as a big red flag and something of which they may want to steer clear.

What they mainly care about is what you can get done that's important to them and whether they can depend and rely on you to do it without you're either calling in sick or acting sick/low energy in a way that makes others uncomfortable.

Focus on what you have done that has significantly helped the companies or people you have worked for. Then think of the companies and positions that most need that. Also make sure those skills and accomplishments are up front and highlighted in your resume. Hopefully that will get you in the door.

When health issues come up during the interview, here is something that might win them over: If you sense some uncertainty, tell the person who is interviewing you that you can understand his or her hesitation. Then propose that the company give you a 'no-risk' trial–a chance to prove that you're worth hiring and someone they'll be glad they hired. Offer to sign an agreement that they try you out for a specified period of time with no obligation to keep you when the trial period is over if you don't produce great results. Humility, graciousness, determination and freedom from risk should make for a pretty irresistible offer.

XXX

Mark Goulston, M.D., is a Santa Monica-based business psychiatrist, executive coach and author of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work." Question him at mgoulston@markgoulston.com. Visit him at: www.markgoulston.com

© 2009, Tribune Media Services