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Solve anything with Dr. Mark: Career advice for the working class; Husband shutting down

By Dr. Mark Goulston, Tribune Media Services, Source: Tribune Media Services

Q: My husband and I are both working parents. My husband was laid off six months ago from a car dealership that closed down. He put a resume together, went out for 20 interviews and didn't receive any offers. He has become increasingly withdrawn even from our family. When we have dinner with our two teenagers (who are not the most sensitive people on the planet), I’m the only one engaged in a conversation with them. He frequently looks so down, doesn't want to eat anything and often just gets up and leaves to go upstairs to our bedroom and go to sleep. I think my kids are worried but like many teens they show it more as obnoxious behavior than anything else. I'm worried about our finances, but I am much more worried about him. He is so shut down. I tell him he needs help and he should call our family doctor, but he either says nothing or "Just leave me alone." How can I break through to him?

A: Sadly, for most men, how much money they make and how well they provide for their family is directly tied to their self-worth. When men are out of work and are dealing with frequent rejections they often feel a tremendous sense of humiliation, inadequacy and eventually discouragement. When they are in this state of mind, they often don't have any energy to be proactive.

Looking so down, not having much of an appetite and wanting to sleep much of the time does sound like he may be depressed. Of course, you already know that.

What you're looking for is the way to get through.

I've been told that three of the main roles of a loving spouse are: 1) Find a way to reach your partner so that he/she is not alone in hell. 2) Step into the batter's box when your partner is defenseless 3) Take charge of what needs to be done with a firm, but non-belligerent attitude.

To do any of these you need have a clear step by step plan and to leave your frustration and reactivity out of the conversation. The latter means not taking anything he says or does personally, becoming defensive and/or counterattacking in the name of helping him.

Contact your family physician to see if he/she treats patients for depression/anxiety. You don't even have to mention that it's for your husband. If he/she doesn't see patients for that, see if you can get the name of a psychiatrist he/she has used and has confidence in. You can also get the name from someone else you may know, unless privacy is an issue. Contact that psychiatrist to see if they are accepting new patients and if they will accept your insurance if that is a consideration. If not, you may want to see what psychiatrists are on you insurance company's provider list. The reason for all this legwork is that you want to have someone available before you speak to your husband.

Then do the following with your husband:

Step 1: During a time when he is communicative, say to him, "When can I speak to you when you'll be able to give me your undivided attention for 10 minutes?" In all likelihood, he'll get suspicious and tell you to tell him what's on your mind. If he does so, say to him, "It's not life or death or about our marriage and it'll keep." If he insists on your telling him now, go ahead. If not, then agree to the later time he mentions.

Step 2: When you begin to speak to him, tell him you'd like to say what's on your mind without his interrupting you and then he is free to say whatever he wants. Ask him if that is acceptable and wait for him to agree.

Step 3: Say this to him, "I love you and I'm worried. I'm guessing you have had some real blows to your confidence and that you're down and probably think it will all get better once you land a job. Isn't that true?" Wait for a confirmatory "Yes" or some other explanation.

Step 4: Say to him, "Because I love you, I don't need your permission to step in and get you help when you need it, especially since you would do the same for me if I was as down as you are feeling. I have checked and found out that Dr. ___ treats people for depression or anxiety and I am going to make an appointment for us to see him/her. What would be the best day for that?" You are using here what in sales is called "The Assumptive Close.” You don't ask whether or not he will go. Instead you just assume it and make the question about when instead of if.

Step 5: If he objects say with love in your voice, "I'm sorry, you do not have any say in it. As your wife, I cannot allow you to be in hell all by yourself and for us to do nothing. You wouldn't let me or the kids be there and we're going to get this taken care of."

And when you come from a place of caring instead of a place of frustration, you really don't have to ask his permission.

XXX

Mark Goulston, M.D., is a Santa Monica-based business psychiatrist, executive coach and author of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work." Question him at mgoulston@markgoulston.com. Visit him at: www.markgoulston.com

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