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Solve anything with Dr. Mark: Career advice for the working class; Are you out of touch?

By Dr. Mark Goulston, Source: Tribune Media Services

Q: I was recently shocked and humiliated to be told that what I thought was my enthusiasm was viewed as being agitated, hyper, distracting and frustrating. I felt embarrassed and avoided contact with people at work for a couple of weeks. I am gradually beginning to interact more but I do not want to be humiliated again. I also received insight into not only myself but also about how clueless most people are about how they think they come across versus how they really are perceived. Do you agree with this?

A: I not only agree, I was one of those people. In fact, many years ago I met a doctor who had been a medical intern with me six years earlier. He asked me if I had seen a therapist and I asked why. He told me, “We have been talking for 10 minutes and not once have you said a cutting or deeply sarcastic comment, whereas that was almost all I remember you doing when we were interns together. You were funny but you often verbally cut people to shreds and I would never have talked to you about anything personal like we are talking about right now.”

I replied with embarrassment and some self-derisive sarcasm.

“Oh that’s just dandy. I’m a psychiatrist that people would be afraid to open up to.”

“Oh, no,” he continued, “that’s not what I meant. You’re not that way now. That’s why I was wondering if you had spoken to a therapist, because if you have, I would like his or her name for myself.”

I actually had seen someone and referred my friend to him.

Believing you are one way while others perceive you differently can be very detrimental to relationships and to your career. Others may lose confidence in you – not to mention respect – because they may think that if you’re that clueless about something so obvious to them, you’re probably clueless about other things that could hurt your performance or effectiveness on the job.

From my professional experience and as I explained in my just released book, “Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone” (AMACOM, $24.95), the 10 most common misperceptions that cause dissonance are the following:

-Believing you are shrewd when others perceive you as sly

-Believing you are confident when others perceive you as arrogant

-Believing you are humorous when others perceive you as inappropriate

-Believing you are energetic when others perceive you as hyper

-Believing you are a person with strong opinions when others perceive you as opinionated

-Believing you are passionate when others perceive you as impulsive

-Believing you are strong when others perceive you as rigid

-Believing you are detail oriented when others perceive you as nitpicking

-Believing you are quiet when others perceive you as passive or indecisive

-Believing you are sensitive when others perceive you as needy

But here’s the challenge: how can you know how other people perceive you? The answer is simple but uncomfortable: Ask the experts—your own friends or relatives or co-workers. This isn’t fun and you’ll need to have a thick skin, but the quickest way to pinpoint your issues with dissonance is to identify two or three honest, or better yet, blunt, people who know you well and whose judgment you trust, and ask them to describe your worst traits.

Typically, even blunt people will hesitate to do this. To get them talking, don’t say, “Do I have any characteristics that annoy or offend you?” because they’ll just say no. Instead, offer them a list and say, “I need you to mark, in 1-2-3 order, the top three ways I might rub people the wrong way.”

Here are the traits you can list:


-Arrogant

-Hyper

-Needy

-Overly opinionated

-Impulsive

-Rigid

-Nitpicking

-Passive

-Indecisive

-Demanding

-Hostile

-Stuffy

-Oversensitive

-Sly

-Untrustworthy

-Melodramatic

-Rude

-Shy

-Pessimistic

-Abrupt

-Excessively perky

-Closed minded

Odds are, if you ask three people to do this, you’ll discover recurring themes. If two different people mark “abrupt,” for example, believe them—even if you’re sure you don’t act that way. After you discover how others see you, ask them how much they feel that negatively impacts how others view you and your success.

Make a commitment to stop behaving that way and ask them if you can check in with them informally from time to time to tell you whether they feel you have improved and to make suggestions for improving even more.

You will be amazed at how much it improves your relationship when you invite people to tell you negative things they have been wanting to get off their chest for a long time but had felt too awkward to do so until you gave them permission.

XXX

Mark Goulston is a Santa Monica-based management adviser, executive coach and author of the upcoming book, “Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone.” Question him at: mgoulston@markgoulston.com]

© 2009, Tribune Media Services