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Solve anything with Dr. Mark: Career advice for the working class; Worried about my husband

By Dr. Mark Goulston, Source: Tribune Media Services

Q: My husband was laid off a year ago. He put his resume together, sent it out to 100 jobs, received 10 interviews, was turned down in all of them and has now withdrawn into a shell. He tells me, “I can’t take the rejection any more.” The more I offer suggestions, the more he pulls away. I’ve tried getting angry at him and yelling at him, that doesn’t help either. I know that you’re not just a career adviser, you’re a psychiatrist, so I thought you might be able to suggest something to help me help him.

A: Sorry to hear about your unfortunately very common dilemma. What he’s not telling you and what you’re not telling me is how frightened you both are. I recently spoke with Harvey Mackay, author of the upcoming book, “Use Your Head to Get Your Foot in the Door” (Portfolio, $25.95).

What impressed me even more about Harvey, whose books are among the most successful business books ever written, was his compassionate advice when I shared your dilemma with him.

1. He’s more than his work – tell your husband that you love him, he’s a good man and you’re not disappointed in him and that you’re glad you’re married to him. His hearing those words when he’s so disappointed in himself will help him feel cared about. He may even cry with relief and exhale. Many men think that they are “human doings” and helping them get in touch with the valuable “human being” underneath can often cause them to feel hopeful.

2. Be firm but loving – it’s nearly impossible to talk rationally to someone who is in a funk. Tell him: “Because I love you and believe in you, I don’t need your permission to step in and help you get through this and back on your feet and I’m going to use everything at my disposal to make that happen. It’s what you would do for me.”

3. Don’t take it personal – tell him this is happening to the millions of people who are out of work and probably tens of millions of people who care about them.

4. Rejection is inevitable – tell him, “If you can accept that rejection is part of the job hunting process, how you deal with it will determine your ultimate success at landing job. Sometimes you have more control over trying and quitting than you do over getting or not getting a job. If you always try and never quit, you will get another job.”

5. Where there’s a way, there’s a will – people frequently lose the will to try when they no longer have a way to do things that they have confidence will be successful. As soon as he begins to figure out a way (and next week’s column featuring Harvey’s new book will offer some valuable tips) that makes sense, feels right and seems doable, his will to act on it will begin to come back.

6. Circle the Wagons – to help in figuring out that “way” think of the people that your husband respects and who care about him. Reach out to them and ask them, “You know my husband, what are specific positive things he needs to do and negative things he needs to stop doing to get through this and get a job.” Chances are that some of them may offer even more than advice when you so earnestly reach out to them.

7. Preparation, preparation, preparation – once he has figured out the “way” back, prepare and practice until it’s second nature. It would be a shame to have a great plan that doesn’t work only because he executed it poorly. As hard as this will be for him to do, it will also help him out of his funk and resurrect his confidence, which he’ll need when he eventually goes for those next interviews.

8. Volunteer – arrange for you and your husband to start volunteering as something that helps your community or the world. If you’re worried that he won’t want to make a commitment to that and then feel like a failure there, go to craigslist.com or other resources on the internet to discover places where you can volunteer once.

One final note. You’re a good wife and he’s lucky to have you, so make sure you do things to keep your mood up. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

XXX

Mark Goulston is a Santa Monica-based management adviser, executive coach and author of the book, “Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone.” Question him at: mgoulston@markgoulston.com.

© 2010, Tribune Media Services