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Sorrow doesn't take holiday

By Kim Hone-McMahan, Akron Beacon Journal, Source: MCT News Service

A mother mourns the death of a child. A jobless father anguishes over not having enough money to buy gifts. A sister misses a brother who's fighting in Afghanistan.

While many are filled with merriment and song this time of year, sorrow does not take a holiday.

For those who are bereaved, grief can crush their lungs, staving off cleansing breaths. The heaviness in their brains clouds their thinking. And the kindness of others can bring them, at least for the moment, out of the darkness.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one, there are things you can do to help during the holiday season _ and beyond.

Sometimes it can be as simple as including the name of the deceased in conversations. Some bereaved believe that not acknowledging a loved one by name is akin to erasing her from existence _ her memory and contributions gone with the final beat of her heart.

If you're fearful of hurting someone, Dr. Jane Bissler, founder of Counseling for Wellness in Kent, Ohio, and nationally-known grief expert, suggests judging whether to continue a conversation about the deceased by the reaction of those closest to him.

If the person walks away, then offer a hug. For those who welcome the discussion, it's a clue to continue.

There's also something you can do to honor the loved one when giving a gift.

"Offering to help a grieving person put together a photo album of the life of the person who has died is a wonderful gift," said Bissler.

Another option for gifts is a donation to a charity that holds special meaning to the family _ or something specific to the deceased.

In honor of a deceased son, one of Bissler's clients gives a friend a box of memorial candles, which are inserted into holders at the gravesite.

Giving the bereaved a personal coupon book that they can redeem for a dinner, movie, shopping trip, or spa day is also unique.

"Sometimes those who are grieving spend a great deal of time alone and crave the attention from someone else or just want to have a social evening out of the house," Bissler explained. "Helping someone feel comfortable about redeeming the coupons may require the giver to call and ask if the receiver is ready to redeem a coupon."

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TIPS FOR THE BEREAVED

If you're suffering this season, remember that it's not necessary to do everything _ or anything.

Starting new traditions can be difficult for those who are newly bereaved. If that's your situation, simply try to minimize your exposure to celebrations and simply get through the holidays.

If the death isn't so new, think about ways to bring your loved one into your holidays. That could mean decorating a tree in his favorite colors or creating a new tradition in honor of him.

"I also tell my clients to make a plan A and a plan B. Plan A is the one they want to do or think they can do. Plan B is the one when the moment arrives and all the plans they thought they could do, they know they can't do," Bissler added. "Do what you can and don't berate yourself for not doing what you used to do or what others might expect you to do."

Sometimes it's good to let the tears flow before company arrives or going to a party. Crying can help relieve pent-up stress.

For instance, a local man who had recently lost a child made a concerted effort to be alone before guests arrived so that he could examine a gift someone had given him for Christmas. The small bottle, filled with fluid and sealed with wax, bore a note that read, "Jesus knows your cares and fears. The angels bring Him all your tears. And these are just a few He kept. To remind you that He also wept."

Before the first knock at the door, the father was in control of his emotions.

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OTHER TYPES OF LOSSES

While not bereaved, there are plenty of people in this economy who are distraught over the loss of jobs. And that can mean little or no money for gifts.

If faced with a financial setback, Dr. Brian Tindall, of WellSpring Counseling Center in Green, Ohio, suggests discussing the circumstances with the kids.

"I think by being honest they can communicate sincerely about how Christmas is going to be different," Tindall said. "It helps relieve the pressure of the felt-obligation by the parent; reducing their guilt. It also allows the children to be informed and they can adjust their own expectations. This way they are able to avoid being disappointed due to expectations not met."

There are also thousands who have loved ones in the military and unable to come home for the holidays. Concern about their safety mixed with loneliness can make for a blue Christmas.

"The longing and pining we feel in our bodies robs us of energy and definitely puts a damper on festivities. It's especially difficult when you see, hear about or even experience other families that are all together," said Bissler.

"Some families make a decision to hold off on celebrations until the family is all together. This is somewhat difficult to do when it seems everyone is partying and observing their occasions. Finding a compromise might be the best solution in this case."

Consider attending religious services, for example, but delay opening gifts if your loved one is expected home soon. Socializing with friends who also have a family member in the military is good for both of you.

Remember, do what you need to do to get through the holidays.

"Only you can decide what feels right," added Bissler. "Don't be swayed by the date on the calendar or what you have done in the past."

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     (c)2011 the Akron Beacon Journal (Akron, Ohio)
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